It’s 12:19 a.m.
I know. I should be sleeping.
I tried but I had a panic attack.
They seem to be occurring more frequently these days. Those dreadful, awful attacks that God had so kindly removed. Well, here we are again. But I have strong hopes that He is about to take them away again.
It’s not like I wasn’t aware it might happen. After all, I fought all day to hold back the pain and the never ending thoughts of things I wish I could do differently or have happen differently.
This journey isn’t an easy one but then again. I guess they never are.
Everyone is fighting a battle. Everyone has something they are holding inside; storing away until they are ready to even make an attempt to face it and see where it takes them. I like to say that I am one of the lucky ones because I have found the One who can give my soul rest but to say that I don’t find myself on my knees as David did would not be the truth. I find myself there often. Especially lately Mom. Especially at night. When I am here alone.
I miss my girls. Did I tell you that Momma? Did I tell you that I thought I heard them calling my name? But it wasn’t them. Just an empty room and a lot of pain. I know it well. I feel that pain so much.
Sometimes, there is so much pain that I feel this must surely be what it feels like just before your heart breaks to the point of no return.
But then usually, I fall asleep and then I wake up the next day.
Physically, I move myself from my bed and I walk through the motions of the day but on the inside, I feel almost hollow. Sometimes, it is only but for a moment, others it is for days that seem to feel like years.
I have tried, as of late, to not tell anyone when it hurts. To stop being that transparent and oversharing person I have always been. I have been trying to learn to tuck it away. Not that I want anyone’s pity or for anyone to think I am weak. I don’t. But I do NEED their prayers. I NEED their accountability. I want someone to slap me across the face and say: “HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR FAITH?!?!”
But no one does that. (My face is probably thankful for that.)
Mostly no one notices. And that is perfectly okay with me because I have become very good at torturing myself over things that I cannot change and God says are His to carry. When we hurt, oddly enough, we want to feel the pain. It’s almost as if we need to in order to feel alive. But that’s so backwards because we should feel alive in CHRIST right?
It’s not that I am not trying. It’s just that some moments are hard.
Like tonight, when I dreamt of them.
When I could smell them and hear their laughter and see their faces. I speak of them as if they are no longer with us but they are. They are here. Alive and young and vibrant and so vulnerable and I am not there. And that makes it hurt even more. It’s like being sick and someone giving you the vaccine but telling you that you are not allowed to take it. It’s absurdly wrong.
That’s when it hit. It was like a vacuum sucking all the air out of my lungs. I thought it was a heart attack but it did eventually get easier to breathe. I sat on my bed for moments that seemed like an eternity actually wondering if I was finally breaking for the last time and then a deep breath came and then the tears and the uncontrollable sobs.
No one knew though. And there wasn’t a person I could go to or call.
Only God. And I did. As I always do.
Psalm 42. It helped me to try to focus on the good.
A lot of tears and sobs were had over my Bible while my three furbabies came crawling onto my bed and laid across me as if to say, “We are here. It’s okay now.”
I laid there with them forever Mom. Those puppies you thought I had lost my mind over a few days ago. Those sweet messengers of God’s compassion. They were there and it helped…a little.
I thought for a moment of a page on Facebook with a quote I so desperately needed so I made my way to the computer to find it. It seemed like such a necessary thing in that moment…to find that quote. It would help me make sense of this moment. It would snap me back into reality. I was sure of it.
But the moment I got on and saw my newsfeed, it suddenly occurred to me.
I think the world’s gone crazy.
I saw desperate cries for help in statuses that were overlooked. But I guess that’s best because after all, “Facebook is not a diary or a place to air your dirty laundry. No one wants to see that.”
Then I saw that a three year old was tied up by his feet and beaten. I only saw this because I follow the news station that posted it. Sadly enough, the comments were as to be expected…a fight. One big piece of drama. Not much light being shown for a warrior taken back to the Father before His time. But thank goodness God did take him. I can’t imagine what his life might have been like. But I wondered how many people saw that or really took a moment to shed a tear for the little guy who knew pain far beyond his existence. Pain even bigger than mine. That hurt. I felt selfish for being so upset about my hurt in comparison to his.
I also saw that someone had asked for prayer for someone in their family who is suffering loss. It too appeared to be overlooked. Not one comment had been added with a prayer in the 18 hours it has been posted or even a single like. Which, I am always conflicted about liking a status dealing with death or pain but that’s beside the point now. Maybe they just can’t find the words, maybe they too are praying as I did that they will be healed and wanted their regards to be more private.
I don’t know for sure but I do know that some people thought a blue and black dress was white and gold and it caused quite a stir. Did you hear about that Mom? Did you see the dress? Or it’s many colors? How could you not? It took up the ENTIRE newsfeed. The picture, the vast number who were so puzzled and troubled by it that they begin to research how this entire crazy, unexplainable thing could have happened in the first place.
People seeing gold and white when the dress is blue and black is quite the miracle! Stopped the presses and caused a stir that seems to have spanned throughout the night. Amazing. How is that possible? And the world must know so it has continued on. Articles, more sharing, pictures. It is a major event. Did you know that Mom?
I didn’t. It seems I missed a lot during my selfish and silly little panic attack.
But, an even bigger observation I noted was that nobody seems to know about the man in our hometown who has been in a wheelchair for the last two years. No I didn’t see but one small mention of that and it was only because I took the time to read more than just the first sentence. Had I stopped there, I would have missed it. What might I have missed about that you ask, Mom?
Well, I know it’s not as big a deal as one dress being seen in a variety of colors but the man GOT UP OUT OF HIS WHEELCHAIR AND WALKED during a church service last Sunday. Yep. I know. No big deal. I mean how hard is it to get up out of a wheelchair right?
But that dress. Now that is something to talk about. I wonder if anyone saw green and gold when they looked at it? I personally saw more purple than blue but I guess I am just not as aware of the important things. Right Mom?
Oh Momma, I miss you. I wish you were here to make sense of a world where so many others just like me are hurting. I wish you could hold me and remind me that God is bigger and that tomorrow will be a better day. I wish you weren’t asleep right now and I could call you or that Arkansas was just a walk down the road rather than states away.
And oh how I wish I could kiss my girls goodnight. I wish someone had loved that little boy enough to save him but then again I guess God did both of those things. So that’s something. And Mom, I hope you somehow hear about that man back home. I hope it reminds you of God’s presence just like it does me. I hope it brings you peace in the darkest places just like it did for me tonight.
I guess what I just needed to say is that I was hurting so much and no one who even spoke to me today knew. They didn’t even see the desperate attempts to tell myself it was okay when it isn’t. So I guess I am getting this “keep it to yourself” routine down pat. And then I realized that my problems are so small compared to the deaths and the sickness and hallelujah, the MIRACLES.
But Mom, when the world becomes so intrigued with the science of a dress coloring but fails to see the needs all around them or the miracles taking place…well I think that it can only be because of one reason.
I think the world’s gone crazy…..
But as you always remind me. It’s all okay. I just need to sleep. I just need to pray. Tomorrow is a new day.
And maybe then they will see…
Love your favorite daughter,
While this post was not an easy one for me to post tonight, I wanted to be as obedient as possible. So many suffer in silence, never saying a word. So many are broken and desperate for something more but get overlooked. There are so many important and pressing things and there are so many ways that we can use our social media as a means to see into the world as Christ does but the fact that is usually not how it is used is a reflection of how the world thinks and operates: on a surface level focused on surface issues.
I found my peace. I had a way out of the place I was in and yes, the pain I expressed in this post was very real tonight. Not that I would have ever shared it except for the fact that I thought of all the others whose pains are much deeper, whose attacks are much more brutal and literal and whose lives are teetering. It was overwhelming especially when instead of being with them or seeking them out or encouraging them, the world seemed to be engrossed in other things.
If you ever want to know where we need Jesus the most, just look at what is posted on social media v. what goes unnoticed. That will give you a good starting place for some massive prayer.
Please understand, I know that many who shared the things I mentioned tonight were on their knees in prayer. Many did reach out. Many did make an impact in a life today. But there was also a part of the world that thought this was the single, biggest news of the day. I mean, it was posted by news stations for goodness sakes. It was a big piece of news. To the world. That’s a sad reality when you pale it in comparison to the number of Christians being imprisoned and murdered by ISIS or the number of military members still deployed or the number of them who didn’t make it home.
This was not to point a finger but to hopefully, cause others to stop and reflect on the reality of how backwards our world has become. The reality that we live in a day where miracles get overlooked by something petty and small; a reality where people are hurting every day but we are all too busy to notice. Even I am guilty of it but I am praying every day for God to change that.
The sharing of my own pain was necessary to let you see that while I may hurt differently than you or others, I am still struggling. WE ALL ARE. And our purpose here is connect and unite and be focused. It is not to be so engrossed over something that will have NO impact at the end of the day.
If you are one of those people who are hurting and you feel overlooked, please reach out to someone. Please feel free to email me, if you have no one else, and I will pray with you or help get you in contact with a pastoral staff who can. You never have to be alone. EVER.
You are more important than a dress. You are more important than anything.
You mean the world to God.
Blessings and love,
Kristy Delgado ❤