I’m still here…

Today my oldest turned 15.

15 years old and I am not there to hug her or kiss her.

Even as I type those words, I cringe at how wrong it is. All of it. As her Mom, I am supposed to be there to shower her with endless love and adoration, a homemade or her favorite store bought cake. I should be taking pictures as she opens her gifts and blows out her candles.

I should be there to laugh with her and celebrate her day.

But I’m not. I’m here.

I know I am needed here and loved here too but to be a Mother and be apart from a part of you is like being given an ice cream cone and told you can not eat it…only watch it melt. Little by little. That’s what this feels like. I can watch her grow, I can hear her stories but little by little, my sweet little girl is slipping through my hands and I can’t even feel it as she does.

These are the moments I get angry the most. These are the moments I question Him the most and these are the moments that test my faith to it’s very core. These moments when I should be allowed to hold my first born and celebrate her life…her wonderful, incredible, precious and beautiful life.

But I’m not. I’m here.

I wish I could say that today the Lord gave me revelations to make this all make sense. But I can’t. He didn’t.

I wish I could say that today was AMAZING and WONDERFUL. But I can’t. It wasn’t.

I told my baby girl Happy Birthday through a phone call and a Facebook status she can’t even see and it’s not enough. It will never be enough and still I come before the Lord and I ask why knowing full well that I will close my eyes and go to sleep with no answer to the why.

But I will still find a way to hold onto to His promises even though here in this moment, they seem to be so small in comparison to the pain. I will still find a way to trust even though it is hard to trust what cannot be understood or seen. I will do this because even though I hurt and even though this makes no sense, neither did His death.

The day that I forget the sacrifice He paid so that I could even have this life to feel all this pain is the day that I lose my entire identity. If God can love me enough to sacrifice HIS son for my life, and all it’s many ups and downs and mistakes, then I can and will choose to love God even in this…even in this place. I can and will choose to believe that all of this is leading to something much more wonderful than I can imagine because that is what He promised me. I can and will do that because He bore a pain and a burden for me I can never fully understand.

I should have died on that cross.

But I didn’t. I’m still here.

Thank you for that Lord. Thank you for my baby girl. Thank you that she celebrated her 15th year today and thank you for the hope of many more birthdays that I can celebrate with her all because you loved me enough to die for stubborn, hurting, whiny old me.  ❤

Maddie 2yrs

Happy Birthday Miss M. You were adorable then and you’re beautiful now. I am so glad you are mine ❤

Kristy ❤

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Basket full of Grace

For anyone out there who is like me and really has begun to evaluate how you celebrate Resurrection Sunday with your children, I wanted to provide an alternative to the traditional Easter Basket that takes away the Easter Bunny and gives the stage back to Christ.

Now I am not in any way condemning those who choose to incorporate the Easter Bunny. It’s just that we have personally decided that ole fella had to go and we needed to place more value on what Easter is truly all about for our children.

After much research, I discovered the idea of something called The Resurrection Basket. (You can find this original idea at http://www.notconsumed.com )

You take a simple small basket and fill it with only these few items: a small bag of jellybeans, 1 candy bar, 1 package of Rolo’s, 1 box of band aids, 1 chocolate cross and 1 tiny Lindt chocolate lamb which can be found at Target. You can of course also add some cheap plastic grass for the bottom and a couple plastic eggs if you choose.

I expanded a little further and also added a small $1.00 toy gift item.

This is what my basket looks like:

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If you go to the website mentioned above, you will find that she offers a free printable containing the adorable labels you see in the image above. All of them except for the Romans 6:23 label I made for the extra item I chose to add.

The purpose in the labels is that they each contain a passage of scripture which allows each item in the basket to be used to tell the story of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Such a small gift but such a MIGHTY tool for teaching the power of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness.

I chose to add the extra gift because I wanted to give a something to symbolize the gift of eternal life Christ gave to us when He chose to die for our sins. While there is not much material value in this basket there is a HUGE amount of value placed on Christ and the sacrifice He gave all those years ago.

Easter doesn’t have to be all about lavish gifts and fancy clothing. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t be. It should be all about recognizing that the whole point in Christ dying was to give us grace and forgiveness. Material things fade, candy is eaten and toys get broken but the knowledge of the power in Christ’s death and resurrection can never perish or be shaken.

That is the ultimate gift of grace and I will take a basket of that any day.

If you would like to download the free labels from Not Consumed to make your own Resurrection Basket, you may do so by going here. If you would like to add a little extra gift like I did you can download the label I made for that by clicking on the image below.

Screen Shot 2015-04-04 at 1.16.27 AM

Happy Resurrection Sunday!!!

Blessings and Love,

Kristy Delgado

*Cough Cough* *SNEEZE*

Whew…there sure was a lot of dust in here from my lack of faithfulness to update my page!!!

WOWZERS!!!

Okay but seriously, it has been nearly a month since my last update. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

No really.

I was hoping you could tell me how that happened.

All jokes aside, the last month has been a bit of a coaster ride for our family. I have felt moments when God’s love and presence was so overwhelming, I almost felt that I hadn’t done enough to deserve it and other moments felt that I was in the lowest place I could possibly reach without it breaking me.

I wish I could say I have handled it with ease and total grace but there were many moments when I threw a fit that would put a two year old to shame. I have found that in this season of change and growing and learning, I am being stretched beyond my limits and challenged beyond my threshold.

I also have found myself more than once telling my Savior that I couldn’t possibly endure one more thing.

But I did.

With His grace and by His love.

So steadfast is He.

While I will not go into details here, I can say that our family in it’s entirety could certainly benefit from some passionate prayers from some of God’s prayer warriors. It is tough being parents and it is tough just living in this world full of constant unexpected moments. It can wear you down in the blink of an eye. Thankfully we serve a God who is steadfast and immovable and who has already given us a way out, even if we cannot see it in the moment.

And even in the lowest places, there was still much goodness. We discovered how strong our family has become and how unified we can be in the midst of crisis. We have learned to lean on one another and communicate in new ways. There has been a beautiful shift in the elements of our family unit. A shift that in time will make significant positive changes for us all. Changes that will in time bring new hope and new joy.

I have begun to see God in a new way. Learning that I must come understand who I truly believe God is in both good and bad, in pain and joy, in disappointment and in victory. I must come to a place of understanding my own faith no matter what the days ahead look like. My hope is to someday be as immovable and loving as my God. I may not achieve that but I think it’s a goal worth chasing. One I hope we can pass onto our children who will then pass it onto theirs.

We do not have to settle for the low places, we can always speak into and hope for the greater places.

As for Homeschool, it has begun a new groove. In realizing how much stress I was putting on  myself to become Super Homeschool Mom, I was able to take a step back and see that PreK should be more about helping my son fall in love with learning rather than forcing him to learn things above his level. I stopped trying to have the perfect lessons planned and instead am learning to move in perfect love if at all attainable. I want my son to love reading and science and math. I want him to see our days in our little classroom as adventures and not a task that weighs him down so heavily. I want him to know that I am there to teach him and train him up in life and faith and that I can do it with patience (mostly) and love that is unconditional.

So no lesson plans for the rest of the year. Our Homeschool consists of reading and more reading, alphabet review, learning to recognize our numbers to at least 35 (but maybe we’ll hit 50!) by the end of the semester. My goal is to help him be ready to learn all that awaits him in Kindergarten. As we clean together, play together, read together, cuddle together I learn new incredible things my son has learned all on his own. In the every day movement of our lives. Like last night as I glanced over at his Nabi Jr screen and realized my son knew how to do number value placement. He was able to place a set of numbers in numerical order from least to greatest and greatest to least.

I have not once reviewed this or even touched this but he has watched me do our bills, watched as I would help him learn his numbers and all in his own timing and way picked up a skill I wasn’t even aware of. That’s a beautiful thing. I didn’t have to be the perfect Super Homeschool Mom for my son to learn that. I just had to be me and I had to just let him be him.

What a beautiful thing.

I have even stopped stressing over Curriculum.

God called our family to this journey and God will piece together every detail I need to know along the way and I am more and more excited to start Kindergarten every day. There is no more fear. Just steadfast trust that God has this all lined up for us. I just have to be the willing vessel. I am even going to be teaching one of the COOP classes in the fall. ME. TEACHING. A CLASS.

Oh the things we do that we, at one time, said we would NEVER do.

Life is funny that way isn’t it?

And beautiful. Even through the darkest moments, life is the single most beautiful gift we have next to God’s love.

Tonight I am so thankful for that. Every detail. Even the hard ones.

Blessings and Love,

Kristy Delgado