Today my oldest turned 15.
15 years old and I am not there to hug her or kiss her.
Even as I type those words, I cringe at how wrong it is. All of it. As her Mom, I am supposed to be there to shower her with endless love and adoration, a homemade or her favorite store bought cake. I should be taking pictures as she opens her gifts and blows out her candles.
I should be there to laugh with her and celebrate her day.
But I’m not. I’m here.
I know I am needed here and loved here too but to be a Mother and be apart from a part of you is like being given an ice cream cone and told you can not eat it…only watch it melt. Little by little. That’s what this feels like. I can watch her grow, I can hear her stories but little by little, my sweet little girl is slipping through my hands and I can’t even feel it as she does.
These are the moments I get angry the most. These are the moments I question Him the most and these are the moments that test my faith to it’s very core. These moments when I should be allowed to hold my first born and celebrate her life…her wonderful, incredible, precious and beautiful life.
But I’m not. I’m here.
I wish I could say that today the Lord gave me revelations to make this all make sense. But I can’t. He didn’t.
I wish I could say that today was AMAZING and WONDERFUL. But I can’t. It wasn’t.
I told my baby girl Happy Birthday through a phone call and a Facebook status she can’t even see and it’s not enough. It will never be enough and still I come before the Lord and I ask why knowing full well that I will close my eyes and go to sleep with no answer to the why.
But I will still find a way to hold onto to His promises even though here in this moment, they seem to be so small in comparison to the pain. I will still find a way to trust even though it is hard to trust what cannot be understood or seen. I will do this because even though I hurt and even though this makes no sense, neither did His death.
The day that I forget the sacrifice He paid so that I could even have this life to feel all this pain is the day that I lose my entire identity. If God can love me enough to sacrifice HIS son for my life, and all it’s many ups and downs and mistakes, then I can and will choose to love God even in this…even in this place. I can and will choose to believe that all of this is leading to something much more wonderful than I can imagine because that is what He promised me. I can and will do that because He bore a pain and a burden for me I can never fully understand.
I should have died on that cross.
But I didn’t. I’m still here.
Thank you for that Lord. Thank you for my baby girl. Thank you that she celebrated her 15th year today and thank you for the hope of many more birthdays that I can celebrate with her all because you loved me enough to die for stubborn, hurting, whiny old me. ❤
Happy Birthday Miss M. You were adorable then and you’re beautiful now. I am so glad you are mine ❤