As it often does, life has gotten chaotic and the simple thoughts I had of keeping this blog up to speed on the regular has fallen as far behind as my diet. Fortunately me for though, I was given another day to breathe and another day to try again. So here I am.
I wish I could say that life at the beach is always a beach but the truth is…it isn’t. Sometimes it’s a mighty storm, a whirl of wind knocking you down over and over and sometimes it’s a desert heat, drying out your heart one hot, scorching beam at a time. But then there are moments when the water meets the shore. That moment when just the tiny trickle of water rushing over your feet seeps into you somewhere deep and begins to refresh the dried up places of your spirit. That’s the beauty of life along the shore…you know the waters are there, just waiting to take you in but they come in a trickle until you are ready to surrender and dive into the floods.
I have been sitting at the waters edge for the last year. Asking the same questions. Receiving different answers.
Waiting. But for what I am still not sure of.
I thought I was going through a crisis of faith. That perhaps, I didn’t have the faith that I thought I did but now I am not sure what I am experiencing. It isn’t a drought for the trickle is steady but there is something missing. Deep down in the most intimate places of my heart and soul there is a void. So, I have begun to ask the hard questions.
“Am I who I really thought I was Lord?”
“Are you who I have really believed you are or have I built what I know about you based on false expectations or truths told by man?”
“What are we REALLY here for? Past all the spectacles and shows on the outside…what are we really knit together for?”
“What does worship truly look like? Am I fully worshipping you God? Was it all an emotional high? Was it genuine?”
“Am I GENUINE?”
These questions seem so easy when you ask them in a general manner but when you find yourself standing on the shore, feeling the pull towards the water and asking these very difficult questions about YOURSELF, it is hard to not feel unsure of all that you have come to know and understand about your “faith”.
I don’t know the answers to these questions. I have not stopped seeking them because deep down, they are VITAL to my faith walk.
What I do know is that I am not afraid to ask them and I am not afraid of what the answers may be. I desperately want to know that when the Father looks upon me, He sees a genuine love and passion for Him, His Kingdom, His people and His purposes, whatever they may be. The thought that He might see anything else, is the most frightening and heartbreaking.
What I do know is that God never stops using me; even in this place. Even as I stand at the water’s edge and refuse to go deeper until I understand and know why I am going deeper, He uses me to touch the lives of others in ways that never cease to amaze me. Not because I am deserving of that in my current state of stubbornness, but because He loves me enough to know that those moments draw me a little closer to the water; a little closer to the waves.
What I do know is that we are in a season of urgency; that the days of just playing a part in church productions must come to an end. It is now time to ask the deeper questions. It’s time to really evaluate our faith and our hearts. Where are they really pulling us to? What do they really value? Who are we REALLY devoted to? This is important because I know that finding the answers to these questions is the very difference between surfing those big waves or going under and drowning.
What I do know is that God is infinite, unconditional, never changing and steadfast. No matter how close I get to walking into those waves or how much I pull away and place myself back in the desert heat, God never lets go of my hand. He never stops standing in front of me and saying, “Come. Let’s go deeper. I won’t let you go under.” He loves me at my worst and he loves me at my best. He loves when I fail and He loves me when I succeed. He walks with me through the waters and He stands with me in the desert. He never lets go. He never leaves me. He never stops loving me.
For all the answers I do not know, there are things about God that I do know that are far more vital to my journey with Christ. I hold onto them. Like trickles of water to refresh the driest moments. I have always been afraid of doubt, until I realized that it isn’t so much doubt as it is an evaluation of truth. What do I KNOW to be truth? What do I LIVE OUT as truth? What does my life REFLECT of the truth? Those are the most important questions.
I want to know, in these days, that I am living according to the ONE AND ONLY TRUTH and that how I love my God and His people is both genuine and truth filled, that my worship and my praise and my dedication comes from a pure love and desire and not a routine of life. I want to know that even through all the battles and all the storms and all the floods, I was able to stand in Christ, confident of WHO HE TRULY IS and WHO I TRULY AM IN HIM.
I now understand that this journey has only just begun. It won’t be easy. It won’t be pleasant at times but I know that it is necessary because soon, I will dive into those waters. I will go into the deepest places with no idea of what will come to pass or where they will take me and when it comes, I want to know that above all else, I KNOW MY GOD. I AM HIS CHILD and I AM FULLY LIVING IN HIS TRUTH.
And then I’m going to surf those waves and never look back.
In Christ’s Love,