It’s funny the things one does when their heart is grieving. Like, refusing to make the beds that someone slept in or pour out the pot of coffee they made just before leaving. And of course, there are the more obvious things such as having to close bedroom doors so as not to see empty rooms where laughter and life once filled its now void expanse.
I have gone through all of these very emotions and actions the last few days as I have had to once again try to adjust to life and home with only a portion of my family remaining. It has been increasingly hard with every goodbye I face with my girls and this time has thus far been the hardest to walk through. I find myself not wanting to leave my room so I don’t have to face the empty rooms where I shared midnight Netflix marathons with my youngest or the empty rooms where my teenager could be heard laughing hysterically or getting ready for our day.
Our home feels like such a lonely place now…I almost resent it’s vastness.
So what does one do when walking through grief? How do I force myself to make their beds and pick up the last of the things they left scattered a miss and how do I face the nights without their hugs and goodnight I love yous? I have been asking God these very questions since they left and I am still unsure. I also find myself angry at myself that this is my circumstance and yet even more angry that I absolutely cannot change it without altering God’s will for my life and my family. That’s a hard one to swallow because deep down inside, I know I am also angry with God.
That guilt is almost unbearable…
So if you come to my home and find that some things are left scattered a miss and beds are unmade or there is molded coffee in the coffee pot, just know I am not lazy or crazy (though at the point of noticeable mold that may be questionable), I am just working through my grief the only way I know how. Just move whatever might be in your path out of the way, steer clear of the coffee and avoid closed doors and maybe, just maybe, for a temporary moment in time, I can pretend my family and heart is still whole.
(Copyright @TheDelgadoFamily.wordpress.com 2015)