I realize daily that homeschool is very much a journey of progress and growth for me as a woman and a mother that may never truly be completed. I think perhaps that may be one of the main reasons this journey has been specifically designed for our family.
You see, I am a planner. I always have been. For as long as I can remember I have been making lists and planning what I want to do next. The only problem is that I always sat my expectations so high and planned more than one person could handle. Naturally, I was not usually able to finish my lists which led me to a place of guilt, condemnation and feeling like I couldn’t get anything done. I felt incapable of finishing anything.
This was a lie. A lie that I have believed for a great deal of my life.
I carried those habits into my adulthood and still, I find myself creating lists and goals and planning for EVERYTHING; homeschool especially. I planned out my months all the way through to October and just three weeks in, we are already not even close to being where our lesson plans mapped us out at. I expected too much of myself and too much of my son.
So today, as I realized that we were getting NO homeschool done when we had not completed a single lesson by noon, I finally threw my hands up in the air and told Mister M to just go lie down on his bed to rest. Feeling defeated and so mad at myself for not being “Homeschool SuperMom”, I sat down and began to just cry silently to the Lord.
I was exhausted, I was mad at myself and I suddenly felt like my 12 year old self all over again. It was NOT a good feeling.
The Lord called me to do something strange. Strange in that, I have been working on taking things to the Lord rather than people. (This is a work in progress as it is very easy to run to those we can physically see and talk to.) I wasn’t sure the purpose in His command but I did it. I reached out to the wonderful and amazing women in our homeschool group. I asked for their advice and explained our day.
I walked away from the computer feeling like a failure and laid on the couch.
Within minutes, Mom after Mom just like me – women I have grown to admire and glean from began – to share with me that they too experienced the VERY same struggles. Many of them reminded me that Mister M is only five and it is only Kindergarten and that homeschool can be hands on; it can be life in action. We don’t have to appear like a classroom, we don’t even have to stick to our schedules. Sure, it’s great to plan and schedule but it’s important to remember that my son is just a child and that it’s okay to have bad days. Sometimes our best laid plans are just not going to happen. And that’s okay.
So I took a deep breath, went in and snuggled with my son. We watched the Little Rascals together and just took a day of rest. As I lay there with him, eyes closed, thanking the Lord that I have these moments, my sweet little man reached up and said, “Mommy, you’re my favorite.”
Heart melting, tears welling up, I was able to forgive myself and him for not meeting expectations that were never mapped out by the Lord. We accomplished exactly what the Lord wanted us to today and that is more than enough.
I know I will encounter this struggle many more times throughout this journey and I hope that each time, I get a little bit better at remembering that this is the Lord’s plan, not my own. I am a work in progress. It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to fit anyone’s standards except God. As long as I keep Him in the center and I do my best…I have already succeeded.
And guess what…so have you! We’ve got this…no matter how bumpy or messy or far away from our plans it gets, we have got this and it’s all going to be just fine.
Blessings and love,
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”