Yesterday, I almost packed up my son’s things and loaded him into the car to go down and enroll him into public school.
Almost but not quite.
I did this all in my head. I didn’t say a word to him. I simply imagined stopping mid-lesson, putting all his supplies away, changing him into real clothes (as we usually stay in pjs per his request), loaded up into the car, pulled up to the administration office, walked in, threw myself onto the counter and said, “TAKE HIMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!”
That visual then made me burst into tears so I had to go hide out in the bathroom for a bit.
Yesterday was terrible. It was horrible. It was no good. It was a very bad day.
Yes…I, so understand now Alexander. I really do.
It was the kind of day where I was not sure why I am even doing this.
It was supposed to be a good day. It was LIBRARY DAY for goodness sakes. How can library day go wrong?
Oh how wrong it had gone.
We ended up in the bathroom TWICE, hiding out in the stall, standing as I made my son put his nose to the wall. At one point, I almost had to laugh at the fact that I was doing this. IN THE BATHROOM. OF THE LIBRARY. But wasn’t consistency what I am working on? So library or not, bathroom or not, his bad behavior took a nose to the wall (which was quickly followed by a scrubbing of antibacterial soap! YUCK!) and when that didn’t work, I packed up our stuff and we headed home.
It was 2:00pm.
We started our ventures at the library at 9:30am and all we had managed to accomplish was ONE SIDE of our Math worksheet. I felt defeated just taking that reality in. How on earth could that even be possible?
Well, there was the books he wanted to find, the computer games he kept trying to watch others play and the grumbling and the complaining and the falling onto the floor like jello, refusing to just do his work. That was how it was possible.
When we got home, he took another time out for a bad attitude and we started on the other side of the math worksheet which was not finished until after 4:00pm. Exhausted and just feeling like I wanted to throw a toddler sized fit, I attempted to start on our Phonics lesson and that is when I just lost it. Not wanting to do it, he took four crayons into his hand, made direct eye contact with me and broke them in half. ON PURPOSE.
People…crayons are good as gold in this house. I value anything that can be used to create art and I absolutely loathe broken crayons. (It’s an OCD thing). He knows this. He grinned from ear to ear as he did it and this Momma blew up and had a grand ole’ display that would have made an infant proud and then, the visual came. I ran to the bathroom so fast, even my legs were confused.
On the floor I sat. Contemplating life. Wondering if I should just go ahead and use the bathroom since I was in there so no one would notice I was actually crying and not taking care of business. I opted for flushing, wiping my tears and as I brushed past the door, told my husband in a very melodramatic tone, “I’m done. He’s all yours for the rest of the day.”
I listened as my husband went to ask my precious boy what had happened. I listened as that oh so wonderful man told my son, “Mommy is doing a really good job at being your Mommy and your teacher but today, you made her feel bad and she feels like you aren’t learning anything and that she is failing.”
This was true. I mean, he couldn’t remember what I had JUST REVIEWED with him for pity’s sake but then again after the mess of a day we had had, how could he?
I took most of the day yesterday wondering if I wasn’t better off to send him to school until someone else mentioned it and I immediately knew that was not the answer. I know this was our calling. I always have. It’s not easy. It’s messy. Sometimes I feel really inadequate but thank goodness, Jesus fills in what I am missing.
It was one of the worst days we have had in this journey…it has been the worst two weeks for that matter but I slept and we woke up and today was new. It was fresh. It was Bible Study day and my very determined Kindergartener woke up with a jolt ready for the day and I am proud to report we finished AN ENTIRE DAY OF LESSONS. We had some setbacks we had some attitude correctors but we got it done with smiles on our faces and joy in our heart.
Together we are learning how to say I’m sorry and will you forgive me in our own family as much as we do with others and we are learning that Homeschool is a calling and it is a gift. It will not always be happy, easy or joyful but God’s grace is sufficient, His patience is unending and His strength carries us through the hard times.
I am learning it is okay to admit that it’s not okay sometimes. I am learning that every other homeschool Mom has moments where public schools are sounding really good but they prevail. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. We are warriors, us homeschool Mommas. We may not seem like it but we wage war every day and we don’t give up. No matter what.
So as you lay your exhausted, tense little head down tonight fellow HM’s…I just want you to remember that if today was a battle, maybe you feel like you won, maybe you feel like you lost or maybe you feel you are stuck in between but tomorrow is a new day. It’s full of new mercies and that battle has already been won by God. You have victory. It will be okay. I promise. (Be sure to remind me of this too will ya? I will need it again I am most sure.)
We will have those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days but we will also have beautiful, glorious, laughter filled, memory making AMAZING DAYS too and it’s worth it. Every single bit of it.
I will close with images of our day which included finishing our 2nd half of lessons this evening while at the laundry mat, which consequently had short vowel and long vowel charts hung on the wall complete with a table for us to work at while our comforter was washing and drying.
It’s a sign ya’ll!!!
Blessing and love,