Some days life just comes at me ninety miles an hour and knocks me down. It pulls me under it’s wheels like a semi truck racing down the highway. I can barely hold on and I certainly don’t feel at peace. I feel terrified, hurt and as if my fingers might break from holding on so tightly with all that I have.
And then there are days like today when I realize that all the stress, all the exhaustion is completely self inflicted. Sometimes it’s me causing me all of my grief. My need for perfection and order among the chaos, my need to try to make sense of things God does not intend for me to, my need to constantly keep trying to do more than I should be doing.
Tonight, my weary eyes glanced up to my computer screen as I busily shuffled my gaze between Daily Guides and my Lesson Plan program and entered each lesson in. I looked at the computer for a moment and focused in what I was actually doing: putting in lesson plans from the beginning of our school year. Three whole weeks before I even had this program and before I could have even needed them to be entered into it. It’s tedious. It’s a bit stressful and I am worrying myself sick trying to get them all in there. Why?
Well, because I have some OCD tendencies. I have this issue of having everything in a complete set. I can’t read a book in a series without reading the entire series. I can’t buy just pieces of a kitchen set. I have to buy all of them. It sounds totally crazy. I so get that but having them incomplete gives me such anxiety.
So tonight as I was creating more work for myself, I just laid my hands over my face and began to pray. I started off asking God to take this stress and as I began to pray, I began to say, “Sometimes Lord…I just…”
“Sometimes…I just want…”
“Sometimes it’s me Father. Like this moment right here. Please help me to just take a deep breath and let go of my need for perfection.”
Sometimes our life is chaotic because of things completely out of our control but then there are days when we create our own chaos simply from a place of trying to meet an expectation that is not required of us at all.
Insecurities, a need for perfection, keeping up with the “joneses”…there are so many things that we inflict upon ourselves that God so desperately wants to release us from.
“Never worry about anything. Instead, in every situation let your petitions be made known to God through prayers and requests, with thanksgiving. Then God’s peace, which goes far beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your hearts and minds in union with the Messiah Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7
My sweet friends, whatever it is that is creating your chaos, ask the Lord to give you clear vision to see and a heart of surrender to release them to Him, one by one. He is waiting to take them and give you rest.
And if you find that sometimes it’s you, take a deep breath, release and bask in God’s grace.
It won’t be easy. I know that. But it can be done and it starts here. It will start with myself. I am going to choose to set aside my lesson plans and my need for completion and let my security in Christ be my comfort and peace tonight.
I pray you are able to do the same. I pray that you rest well and that you can lay it all at His feet.
In Christ’s Love,