Yesterday was a hard day. I don’t just mean a hard day. I mean a tears down my face, oversharing on Facebook, feeling like a failure, HARD day.
Lately, I find it harder and harder to get anything done. School is literally done in small sessions throughout the day and usually ending at night once Little Miss M has gone to bed.
But, the rest of the house is like a huge cry for help. Laundry covers my couch, floors need to be swept, bathrooms are waiting to be scrubbed. I wake up each day hoping I can get just one of them done but then suddenly, it’s 11pm and I still haven’t gone to bed yet and so I have to look at it all one more time and say, “Maybe tomorrow.”
Nobody warned me it would be this hard at 40. Nobody.
Yesterday, Little Miss M had one of those days where nothing kept her content. She demands my nonstop care and attention most days now. I was only able to get Math done before the rest of my day was spent rocking, changing diapers, feeding and repeating over and over.
By 9pm last night I still could not get her to sleep and she was fussy and I was exhausted and so I sat in the rocking chair and I cried. Like a baby. Mister O got to make a quick trip home to shower before he had to go right back to the ship for overnight watch and as he came in to see me, I was a mess. I was frustrated. I was so tired. I just wanted sleep but it wasn’t happening.
In a blink, he was gone and I realized I had been so busy trying to get her to sleep and trying to get school done with Mister M that I had barely given him any attention and I felt like a total failure ALL over again.
It’s so hard. This Momming Gig. It never stops. There is no paid vacation time. We don’t get snow days. There are no holidays or sick time. It’s all day, every day. It is beautiful and wonderful but it is also really, really hard and I think we are often too afraid to say that. We are scared to admit we are holding on by a thread and that we feel so alone and exhausted. But we shouldn’t feel that way. We should be able to be honest and admit that being a mom is the hardest job you will ever do. It’s amazing. It’s the best journey; but it is so hard. There will be moments you feel like a complete and utter mess. You will feel like a total failure but you’re not. You’re just a mom. It comes with the job.
Over tired, over worked, over touched, over needed, under slept, under bathed (you know it’s true) and sometimes under appreciated. It’s the nature of this journey. And that’s okay because there are also amazing perks that come with this calling like getting to rock your baby girl to sleep in the middle of the day while watching snow fall outside the window.
Some days it’s really great and some days it’s really bad but it is always worth it. So today, I find myself feeling waves where it is all overwhelming and I just have to stop. 1, 2, Breathe. Repeat.
I just keep breathing. Stopping. Pausing. Acknowledging when it is really hard. Praying for strength and then pushing on and then repeating to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. (Thank the Lord.)
Maybe I fail. We all do sometimes. Maybe I get it right. We all do sometimes. But I definitely get to be real about it. I get to be honest and say, “This is hard”. Maybe it doesn’t make it any better but maybe just maybe it let’s someone else know it’s okay to feel like it’s hard and to feel like a failure.
And then…maybe, just maybe they too will stop. 1, 2, Breathe. Repeat. Maybe they will keep doing the very same thing as me until they can just keep moving on and survive to do it all over again tomorrow.
This job may be hard but that doesn’t mean we have to be silent about our struggles. That doesn’t mean we can’t transparent about it so that someone else can know they are not alone.
We are never alone. We are a tribe and so together we will be better at sharing our journeys and when it’s all just too much.
1, 2, Breathe. Repeat.