I think it has been well over a week since I have written but oh how crazy busy we have been over here in Paradise! I feel like the weeks are just flying by and I am almost in shock that we are now in October! How did that even happen??
We have been working hard to balance our crazy life here at Casa De Delgado. Most days I feel like I “school” 24/7. There is Mister M’s school work and lesson plans, then there is Miss M’s school work and lesson plans and finding time to help her study, schedule tutoring times and then there is MY college work. And then on top of all of that there is the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and the volunteer work. Most days, I go to bed and don’t want to think about a single subject, assignment, or to do item again.
Then I wake up, roll out of bed and realize it is another day of education and life and off we go. Do I get tired of it? Some days yes; but who wouldn’t get tired of school when that is what you do seven days a week. My poor brain hurts. Is it worth it? Absolutely, without a single moments hesitation it is worth every long hour and day.
Yesterday, I had two major projects to complete and turn in for my Psych classes. I was so tired, as is the case when you have the “Mondays”. I had to start Mister M’s school a little bit later than usual so that I could really dig into my research paper and finish it so that I could just type it up while he was working on his assignments. So while Mister M ate his breakfast and watched some videos on Kids YouTube on Natural Disasters and Freak Weather, I slaved away at researching the correlation of stress with mental illness. I almost laughed out loud thinking to myself, “Well, I am pretty sure this week I am a prime example of this one.” My kids think I am mental with the moodiness I have shown the last couple weeks trying to be supermom. YET AGAIN. When will I ever learn? Oh God’s grace….
Once I got situated, I started directing Mister M to his lessons. He was as unhappy about school as I felt secretly inside. I just wanted a day to do nothing. Or do something. Anything other than school. I know. It’s a terrible thing. I am his teacher. If I don’t get excited about it, how on earth can he? If I don’t encourage the learning process who will? I would have cried a bit if I even had the energy for that but who has that these days? I need my tears to balance out the dehydration from talking and teaching, reading, grading, planning, studying, home working…all day long. Every day of the week.
Mister M was being very resistant and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault. Maybe he sensed how stressed out I was? How worn I was feeling? Maybe I was doing a bad job at all the things that mattered? (That ole’ slytherin…he is ALWAYS coming and trying to make me feel horrible when I already feel bad!) As I sat at my computer, staring at my screen and thinking at how much I was failing at wifing, mothering, teaching, being the student…I felt just near going to bed when I heard that still small voice say, “You are enough.”
“You are enough. In the middle of this mess when you feel like giving up but you won’t because you are determined to not quit this time, in the middle of the tears that just won’t fall, in the middle of feeling like you can’t give another ounce. You are enough. You are more than enough because I made you and I know you are stronger than you know.”
“I can do all things” suddenly just kept ringing in my ears. I thought of all that God has done for me. For my family. I thought of the sacrifices and realized that if I feel this tired in only this, how tired must he have felt? How much more must he have wondered in those moments on the cross if he was enough? The Bible says he asked, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” So he must have felt abandoned for a moment, he must have had a moment of feeling not enough perhaps. I will never know the answer on this earth but what I do know is that He did not give up. Even in that place, He put his faith and trust in God and He fulfilled His purpose and what a glorious purpose it was. So much love.
As a woman with many hats, I often find myself feeling like I just give and give and give but I have given nothing in comparison to Christ. I give minuscule things compared to His sacrifice. If he can hang on a Cross for me and give me a life eternal through His sacrifice and suffering, if He did all that for wretched me…then I can give my time, my energy and my love willingly to those I love with a joyful heart. I can do these assignments, teach t these lessons, cook those meals, run those errands, give my time with joy and not complain and I can keep pushing closer to the Father seeking His wisdoms and truths to help me balance my life.
There will always be moments when I feel worn, that we will all feel worn but if we can keep our minds focused on Christ and what He has done for us, those weary moments will slowly begin to fade and we will be reminded of how precious and special we are. How special are we? Oh my sisters and brothers, special enough for someone extraordinary to give their life in exchange for ours.
Blessings and Love,