Oh the time!

I think it has been well over a week since I have written but oh how crazy busy we have been over here in Paradise! I feel like the weeks are just flying by and I am almost in shock that we are now in October! How did that even happen??

We have been working hard to balance our crazy life here at Casa De Delgado. Most days I feel like I “school” 24/7. There is Mister M’s school work and lesson plans, then there is Miss M’s school work and lesson plans and finding time to help her study, schedule tutoring times and then there is MY college work. And then on top of all of that there is the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking and the volunteer work. Most days, I go to bed and don’t want to think about a single subject, assignment, or to do item again.

Then I wake up, roll out of bed and realize it is another day of education and life and off we go. Do I get tired of it? Some days yes; but who wouldn’t get tired of school when that is what you do seven days a week. My poor brain hurts. Is it worth it? Absolutely, without a single moments hesitation it is worth every long hour and day.

Yesterday, I had two  major projects to complete and turn in for my Psych classes. I was so tired, as is the case when you have the “Mondays”. I had to start Mister M’s school a little bit later than usual so that I could really dig into my research paper and finish it so that I could just type it up while he was working on his assignments. So while Mister M ate his breakfast and watched some videos on Kids YouTube on Natural Disasters and Freak Weather, I slaved away at researching the correlation of stress with mental illness. I almost laughed out loud thinking to myself, “Well, I am pretty sure this week I am a prime example of this one.” My kids think I am mental with the moodiness I have shown the last couple weeks trying to be supermom. YET AGAIN. When will I ever learn? Oh God’s grace….

Once I got situated, I started directing Mister M to his lessons. He was as unhappy about school as I felt secretly inside. I just wanted a day to do nothing. Or do something. Anything other than school. I know. It’s a terrible thing. I am his teacher. If I don’t get excited about it, how on earth can he? If I don’t encourage the learning process who will? I would have cried a bit if I even had the energy for that but who has that these days? I need my tears to balance out the dehydration from talking and teaching, reading, grading, planning, studying, home working…all day long. Every day of the week.

Mister M was being very resistant and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault. Maybe he sensed how stressed out I was? How worn I was feeling? Maybe I was doing a bad job at all the things that mattered? (That ole’ slytherin…he is ALWAYS coming and trying to make me feel horrible when I already feel bad!) As I sat at my computer, staring at my screen and thinking at how much I was failing at wifing, mothering, teaching, being the student…I felt just near going to bed when I heard that still small voice say, “You are enough.”

“You are enough. In the middle of this mess when you feel like giving up but you won’t because you are determined to not quit this time, in the middle of the tears that just won’t fall, in the  middle of feeling like you can’t give another ounce. You are enough. You are more than enough because I made you and I know you are stronger than you know.”

“I can do all things” suddenly just kept ringing in my ears. I thought of all that God has done for me. For my family. I thought of the sacrifices and realized that if I feel this tired in only this, how tired must he have felt? How much more must he have wondered in those moments on the cross if he was enough? The Bible says he asked, “My God, My God,  why have you forsaken me?” So he must have felt abandoned for a moment, he must have had a moment of feeling not enough perhaps. I will never know the answer on this earth but what I do know is that He did not give up. Even in that place, He put his faith and trust in God and He fulfilled His purpose and what a glorious purpose it was. So much love.

As a woman with many hats, I often find myself feeling like I just give and give and give but I have given nothing in comparison to Christ. I give minuscule things compared to His sacrifice. If he can hang on a Cross for me and give me a life eternal through His sacrifice and suffering, if He did all that for wretched me…then I can give my time, my energy and my love willingly to those I love with a joyful heart. I can do these assignments, teach t these lessons, cook those meals, run those errands, give my time with joy and not complain and I can keep pushing closer to the Father seeking His wisdoms and truths to help me balance my life.

There will always be moments when I feel worn, that we will all feel worn but if we can keep our minds focused on Christ and what He has done for us, those weary moments will slowly begin to fade and we will be reminded of how precious and special we are. How special are we? Oh my sisters and brothers, special enough for someone extraordinary to give their life in exchange for ours.

Blessings and Love,

Kristy ❤

The here and now…

Most days I find myself constantly thinking ahead. What do I need to do for lunch? What errands do I need to run today? What are our plans for this weekend? What do I want to get done next month? We are moving in a few months, what do I need to do to prepare? Do I have enough lessons planned for homeschool? What activities should we do for Christmas?

I get so busy looking at the next moment that I sometimes forget to notice the moment I am already in. I forget to fully take in the way my son laughs or the way that  my daughter’s eyes light up when she reads something funny. I don’t sometimes notice when they are struggling because I am so busy struggling through my own anxieties of my to do list and my extremely high self expectations. I honestly forget to love the moments some days because I am constantly trying to be more perfect for the next moment; an expectation I won’t likely meet until I stand before my Savior someday.

This morning as I began to get ready, I noticed my son looked taller than yesterday. As I hurriedly picked up the house before starting sweet Mister M’s homeschool lessons, I noticed my daughter looked more beautiful and grown up than yesterday and my heart immediately broke just a bit.

My life, for the first half, was a series of one chaotic moment after the next. Not until I found my life in Christ, did I begin to slow down, fit my pieces together and overcome the things I struggled with for what seemed a lifetime. All of those moments caused me to overlook many, many years with my family and friends. These were moments I had no control over before, but now, they have become moments I create in a need to be something I cannot be in this lifetime: perfect.

My goal for today is to realize that the expectations I sometimes set are unrealistic and truly unimportant next to the realities of ever growing children and moments with my husband. The only one true expectation I should have for each day is to love God  more than the day before, to love my family more than the day before and to just let each moment unfold in their own, beautiful way and be willing to pay attention and be a part of each and every one of them.

What are your expectations? Are they unrealistic? Are you trying to be the perfect everything while your perfectly beautiful life slips by moment by moment? If so, take a deep breath with me today and let’s remember that we are made perfect in Christ. The only place we can achieve peace or satisfaction in who we are and what we do is when we lay it all at His feet and just allow ourselves to live out our journey minute by minute.

Let’s work harder to set aside our to do lists and to not worry about tomorrow or next month or even what we will be doing two minutes from now. Let’s give all we have to live in each moment one by one. That’s where true joy is found and that is where we find ourselves surrounded by the people and things we love the most. We may think we make our own plans but God has already planned in advance what we are to experience each moment and He already knows that we are enough to experience them all. The question is, can we accept that and just let ourselves experience the beauty of them all?

I hope so and I hope we get better at doing that every day.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” -Proverbs 16:9

In Christ’s love,

Kristy ❤